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Ah, pregnancy. It's a magical FREAKING time. I mean, when else will your hair spontaneously begin growing at a remarkable speed (and I do mean ALL of your hair), your balance is all out of whack, and pooping is a brand new adventure. No, seriously. I cannot believe how much of my pregnancies revolved around my ability to poop. Like, every doctor wants to know about it, talk about it, and sometimes – even SEE it. My husband and I would discuss it endlessly. If I couldn't go – I was miserable. When I did go… well, it wasn't like before I got knocked up. But, hey, at least it prepared us for how much we'd be talking about poop after the birth of our children (The answer: OMG! SO MUCH!). So today, let's discuss pooping while pregnant and what you need to know about it.
You're Either Constipated Or Have The Runs. It's one or the other. Deal. Gone are the days of just going in and pooping and moving on. You're now either going to be camped out in there like a man with the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or you'll be praying to whatever deity you can to JUST GO ALREADY.
You May Need A Little Help… Going. You might need to add fiber pills, a stool softener, and some laxatives to your regular Amazon Subscription Service. It takes a combination of all three (and no, I'm not joking) to keep me semi-regular. In a bind? This trick that I learned from my Physician's Assistant tastes gross but is a total winner. Open and heat up one can of prune juice for 30 seconds in the microwave. Drink it down and within 30 minutes – you'll go. I promise.
Farting… Oh, The Farting. In books, they refer to it as being a little gassier than normal. Well, yeah. If by “a little gassier than normal” they mean a middle-aged male football team after a huge Mexican food dinner. And sometimes, you don't even know that you did it!
You Will Probably Need To Change Position. So, you probably know all about the different positions that you'll have to use during labor to make the baby come out. But did you know that the addition of a giant belly can really make the actual act of pooping… memorable. For one, a lot of pregnant woman deal with hemorrhoids (I did this go around) which can be extremely painful when you're trying to push one out. If you're having that problem, try the Squatty Potty. It's a game-changer! If it's just going in the normal position that's the issue, try spreading your legs apart and leaning forward a bit. It'll make it more comfortable (and easier). And wiping? Well, it's gonna take a whole gymnastics routine to get that done.
Your Poop Will Smell. Sure – it's always smelled but now? ***gagging*** I have no idea how or what is going on in there but get a great fan and maybe get some of that stuff that police officers rub under their noses when they have to deal with decomposing bodies.
Anything you think I left out?