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Remember that post were I talked all about how there are a lot of things that happen to you when you're pregnant? A lot of them you've heard or read about – but what about all those things that you don't know? Let me share with you 25 more things no one tells you about pregnancy!
- Farting… Oh, The Farting. In books, they refer to it as being a little gassier than normal. Well, yeah. If by “a little gassier than normal” they mean a middle-aged male football team after a huge Mexican food dinner.
- Bloating That Makes You Look Pregnant. This one's special for the first trimester-ish. All that bloating makes you look knocked up before you're officially showing… or worse, people just think you're fat.
- Morning Sickness DOES NOT Equal A Healthy Pregnancy/No Morning Sickness DOES NOT Equal An Unhealthy Pregnancy. OMG with this idiotic old wive's tale. It's not true… moving on.
- You Will Get Tired Just Walking Around the Grocery Store. This one blew my mind. I couldn't believe how tired I got just running normal errands.
- Increased Anxiety Disorder. If you have a pre-existing anxiety disorder (like I do) then be ready for it to magnify. Lots of people just assume that this happens postpartum (and it can) but it can also increase during your pregnancy. Give your doctor/midwife a heads up about your anxiety and have those around you keep a close watch.
- Bathroom Business Becomes… Interesting. You already know about the whole going-to-the-bathroom-all-the-time thing but what about wiping? Because it's about to get really creative with that big ass bump in the way.
- Skinny Bitches Can DIE. Look. I know not all skinny women are bitches – but some ARE. And they are always the ones complaining to your obese ass about how they gained 4 pounds in two months. Fuck you. I gained 4 pounds YESTERDAY. They can see that you're overweight – why BRAG about how little weight they've gained? You win, lady! YOU WILL ALWAYS WIN.
- Pillows Will Become Your New Best Friend/Lovah. Whether you stick to a regular pillow or go full blown pregnancy-pillow – you will LURVE you some pillows (mostly while you're sleeping).
- You’ll Probably Wear Nursing Bras WAY Before The Baby’s Born. This was another surprise to me. Fellow bloggers recommended that I skip the maternity bra section and go straight to nursing bras during my final trimester. Great advice.
- Crossing Your Legs Is For The Birds. It's got less to do with your weight (although, for some of us, EVERYTHING has to do with our weight) and more to do with that giant bulge you're packing around. One day, you'll go to cross you legs like the lady you are and realize that until that baby is born… you'll be sitting like a linebacker.
- Too Hot Or Too Cold… ALWAYS. It's either one or the other – pick one.
- People Will Think You’re On Drugs. It's those damn hormones. They seriously mess with a woman's sanity and ability to control her emotions.
- You Might Not Have Cravings. Some people don't.
- ARE THOSE MY TOENAILS? Since you can't see them for so long, sometimes it's a shock to see how full and long they've grown (like your fingernails but MUCH less pretty).
- It’s Okay To Not Want Pictures Of Yourself. Sure, some ladies feel amazing and glowing and lovely and want a maternity shoot and special Instagram feed. All the while, you're over here feeling like this.
- Guilt About Your Choices. Everyone has an opinion about your pregnancy and birth. And they will tell you all about how wrong you are without you asking for their opinion. Seriously, EVERYONE. Ask me about the time a random hairdresser cutting my husband's hair told me not to go to a midwife because “they're witches”.
- Immediate Need For Tiny Things. Remember this episode of “How I Met your Mother” with the little sock? Yeah… that's real. The second you see that positive pregnancy test you feel an immediate need to buy ALL THE TINY THINGS.
- Super Lazy. This one surprised even me. Y'all know I'm lazy but during my pregnancy, my laziness was at an all time high that impressed even me.
- Miscarriage Conviction. During every day of my pregnancy, I was worried about miscarrying. Every cramp, every ache, every day – I was convinced I was losing the baby. I think this is just a common thing to worry about since you have so little control over a lot of miscarriage factors.
- Hip Pain… HIP PAIN. OMG WITH THE HIP PAIN!
- The Gender Could Be Wrong… It Happened Once To My Best Friend’s Hairdresser’s Nephew. If you choose to find out the gender of your baby before it's born (we did) then you're going to inevitably get a whole group of people (generally much older) who try to convince you that all ultrasounds are wrong. This is based entirely upon the fact that this one time, a billion years ago when ultrasounds were in their infancy, someone that someone knew had a girl when they were told they were having a boy. Ignore these people. Ultrasound technology has come a long way since then and are very, very accurate now.
- Skin Tags. Well look at all that new skin just jutting out of your body from nowhere.
- OMG, Pregnancy Brain. It. Is. Real.
- Everything Cums Out. You know how before, when you had sex, all that stuff pretty much just stayed inside you? Yeah…. now that your cervix is all sealed up it has nowhere to go now. Woo-hoo, immirite?
- Sweating Like a Pig. Remember how you'll either be hot or cold? Well, when you're hot – you'll sweat like the proverbial whore in church. It's a magical time.
What was something that surprised you during your pregnancy?