20 Things I Said During My First Month of Motherhood

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It's an odd little party, motherhood.The days are long, the nights are longer, your boobs droop, and a your life is ruled by a tiny bald person who expects you to clean their butt. And the weird part? You love that little bald nugget so much that you just don't mind.

But I will tell you this, I have uttered some weird/odd crap during my first foray into the Mommyhood… stuff that I NEVER thought I'd ever say. EVER.

20 Things I Said During My First Month of Motherhood

20 Things I Said During My First Month of Motherhood

  1. Someone look at my nipple! Is that a normal looking nipple to you?
  2. You can smack your lips all you want but I'll tell you the same thing I tell your father – My boobs are busy right now.
  3. Today I had a doughnut, Diet Coke, and a turkey sandwich. That's all the food groups, right?
  4. Don't go in there. I just pooped another child for you.
  5. Weren't my nipples pointed the other direction this morning?
  6. You can either change dirty diapers or breastfeed – your choice (said to my teenage brothers).
  7. Did I brush my teeth today? How about yesterday?
  8. What's wrong with this shirt? I've only worn it the last three days and that's just a little spit-up. No one will even notice.
  9. We had a great night! I slept three hours (said without an ounce of sarcasm).
  10. I love you so much. If I hadn't just pushed a human being out of my vagina, I'd so be doing you right now.
  11. I bludgeoned my baby's head with a Diet Coke can!
  12. WE DO NOT HUMP THE BABY!
  13. My tits look like I should be doing porn. Like, bad porn filmed in Ohio.
  14. Today's goals are to brush our teeth and put on clean underwear. Fingers crossed!
  15. Just balance the can on her head. She's asleep – what does she care?
  16. You know what I like best about this onesie? It's the same color as my s'more so it doesn't matter if I eat it while holding the baby (said while licking stray chocolate off the onesie… while it was on my daughter).
  17. Poop 1, Stool Softener 0
  18. Can she just quit formula cold turkey? What if she has withdrawals? Like a crack whore?
  19. Damn, she pooped in the bed again. Eh. It's only a little… it'll dry before bedtime so I can sleep.
  20. Is that a normal looking vagina to you? I mean, does it look better now AFTER the baby than before? Be honest.


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What are some odd things you said during your time as a mother?